It's official

I tell you, I have checked this site so many times since last Friday that when my name came up I thought it was someone else. But there it is in big bold official letters. I am a registered nurse. Sweet!

Waiting

For the last year ( two, if you count the pre-reqs) this has been my life, day and night. Some days I was sure someone glued me to the chair. Rose still asked everyday, "do you have studying, mom?" always hoping the answer might be no! I loved it though, I love school, (I know, I'm a nerd; the science was always my favorite part). I even liked taking tests, I like the feeling when I read a question and absolutely know the answer and can explain why, it is a powerful feeling. Then we got to work in the hospital with actual patients, and I was sure I was doing the right thing. I was scared out of my shoes that I wouldn't know what to do, and often, I didn't, but the patients always looked to me for help and comfort, and somehow I provided. I went from feeling like and impostor in white scrubs, grateful to be able to empty the bedpan; to gradually being able to manage 3 patients care by myself and having the sense that they are "my" patients by the end of my preceptorship.

Then we graduated a week before classes were over. We still had tests, and shifts, but we walked with our robes and hats and all. It felt great! That's me in the middle of my new friends. Twenty nine years since my last graduation, this one meant so much, and I appreciated the opportunity so much more this time.

We did a few more presentations, and papers and exams, and then school really was over. We had our pinning ceremony, where we get pinned by another RN as a way of welcoming us into the profession. It was very touching, and we celebrated being done, finally!

Here is my pin, the initials are for Samuel Merritt University, we are the first class to graduate from the University, after 100 years of being a College. That is a lot of nurses! It is inspiring to come from such a long tradition, too bad we didn't get the little white caps too!

BUT.... the studying wasn't really over yet. I still had to take the board exam, the NCLEX. So my friend Marti and I kept meeting everyday to study for a couple of hours. We practiced thousands of questions, and quizzed each other, and looked up obscure drugs and diseases. We even spent a couple of days in Tahoe with two other classmates to study away from the distractions of house and family. We really did study, though nobody believes us. Then I spent a day in Yosemite, by myself, hiking and enjoying the scenery before I drove to Fresno to take my test.
I couldn't have been more ready for this test, we studied all year, reviewed for several weeks, I relaxed for a whole day, got a good night's sleep the night before, ate a healthy salmon (brain food) lunch and had a latte, and walked into the test center ready to conquer it.
It was the wierdest test I have ever taken. First, they take you one at a time, after you have been photographed, fingerprinted and pockets emptied into the test room. They don't even let you take a tissue in there, I had to leave my bottle of water and my dark chocolates in a locker outside ( those of you who know me, I always have a couple of dark chocolates on my desk with me when I take a test, for that little boost when my brain wears out!). They sit you down in front of the computer and log you in and let you know that you are being video and audio taped during the test and if you need a break, raise your hand and the proctor will escort you to the bathroom. So, I sit down, a little unnerved by all the security, but ready to get this done. I speed through the little tutorial that takes you through some sample questions and push the button to start the real test. Now I should tell you that we have six hours to answer from 75-265 questions with breaks scheduled at 2 and 3.5 hours. The test is constantly evaluating how you answer each question to determine what the next question will be. It keeps asking questions until it determines that you clearly pass or clearly fail. I was determined to go slowly and carefully read each question a few times, since you can't go back and change your answers. The first few questions were pretty reasonable and I felt pretty sure I was getting them right, then boom, they got hard, drugs I had never heard of, questions about priorities that I couldn't rank, and then phwew, a few math questions. I love the math questions, because I know how to do them, they are concrete. It is the question about which patient you would see first that always gets me. Well, I am tooling along, I don't really keep track of how many questions I am answering, (the last time I looked at the counter, I was on 55). The questions are hard, and I feel like I am guessing on many. I am sure I am not getting most of them right, so I am shocked when the whole computer screen goes black. Oh NO!, there is a power outage! right in the middle of my test! will I have to start over? But no the proctor comes in to escort me out and I realize that the screen went black because I was done! I quickly tell her this can't be, I am not finished yet, I haven't answered enough questions! there is no way I am up to 75 yet. Can she check? She smiles and shakes her head, no, there has not been a malfunction and there is no way for her to check the number of questions I answered. In a daze I walk out, put my finger on the fingerprint checker (what, was I going to somehow sneak someone else in to take my place while being videotaped? it is really me walking out now!) I collect my stuff, and see that only and hour and ten minutes have passed since my test started. Well maybe I started a little bit early, since I arrived at the center early, let's say and hour and 15 minutes. Still that is 75 questions in 75 minutes, there is no way, I was going to go slowly! what happened? Oh no! what if I went so fast that I answered most of the questions wrong and I actually failed! I get in the car to drive the 3 hours home and try to think of who I can call that will make me feel better. Marti; she took the test the day before me and we hadn't talked yet. Aachhh, I hear the sinking silence on the other end of the phone when I tell her that it took me 75 minutes, she took 2 and a half hours with 2 breaks. I didn't even get a break. That is bad news, Marti is the speedy smart one. When we studied together she usually had the answer before me. I made some more phone calls looking for reassurance, which was given but I didn't feel it. Nothing was going to make me feel relieved.

It has been 3 days now and I check the BRN website way to often to be considered sane, and still haven't seen my name on the list of licensed RNs yet. I did the trick that someone said to try to register to retake the test and if the website won't let you, then you passed. It wouldn't let me, but I still don't feel relieved. SO I AM STILL WAITING! I spent today listing all the hospitals that are within a one day drive of me and checking the job openings on their websites. The job hunt is another story that I will save for another post. In the meantime I am trying to keep busy and WAIT.

a good sign or a bad sign

Well, I took the NCLEX today and walked out of the test feeling pretty nervous. I think the computer shut down after 75 questions (the minimum), I am not sure because the last time I looked at the counter it said 55 and then all of a sudden it shut down. The questions were hard, so either I answered well enough that it moved me to the harder questions and I passed or..... I don't even want to go there. Now I will keep checking the BRN site to see if my name pops up under RN verification. Next, renewed efforts to land a job in this economy.

oops

All that knitting I did last night while laughing with Rose in front of Sleepless in Seattle? Ripped out. I forgot that I had adjusted the number of stitches in the pattern because my yarn is a heavier gauge. UGHH ! No wonder when I was trying to lay it out for the picture, it was asymmetrical. So I ripped back to the great divide and started the right front shaping again. I marked the pattern with the new stitch numbers now, hopefully I won't make THAT mistake again. Good thing it is a baby sweater!

PS Mom and Amy arrived tonight to start the graduation celebration for Joe! Tomorrow is the big day.

Teenagers at large

Waiting for teenagers again. Joe is out with a friend, supposedly for dessert. They have been gone for 4 hours, could they still be eating? And Pat has been in Santa Cruz all day and just sent a text that they are driving home now. That road from Santa Cruz is treacherous, it makes me nervous. Oh, here is Joe now, wondering why I wait up for them. How do you explain without sounding like a crazy person? I wait up because when they don't come home, and I start to imagine the heap they are in on the side of the road, I want to be on the phone to the police to search all the ditches along the freeway, or when the ER calls to say they have my kid I want to already be awake, Joe shakes his head at me, Mom, come on, when does anything like that actually happen? It's not like we smoke crack or something! I could have reminded him that we just sat through the awards night at the high school where we listened to tearful parents give out scholarships in the names of the children they lost. And not just one of them, many of them. I was in tears by the end of it. It makes me realize how fragile life is, and how vulnerable our teens are, and they don't even know it. I could have reminded him of that, but I didn't, I don't want him to be afraid, reality is close enough, one of us wallowing in it is enough. So he sits down at the piano and plays. "I learned all the Bud Powell songs from this one album" "Don't you think this chord is awesome?" I smile and agree, I love to listen to him play, my own private jazz club. I'll wait for Pat, probably be asleep on the couch when he rolls in.

The photo above is another baby sweater started for a coworker of Brian's. I am using the softest cotton I have ever knit with, Blue Sky Organic Cotton. I knit this tonight while watching Sleepless in Seattle with Rose. She was laughing so hard she kept falling off the couch. I am enjoying having more time to hang out and BE with the kids.

Backroads Coffeehouse

Backroads Coffeehouse is Alhambra High School's release party for their creative arts magazine. I love going to this event, the poetry, music, artwork and films that these kids create are amazing. Joe played with his trio, and Tina sang. They rocked the house, Tina has unstoppable energy and when she and Joe do music together it is fabulous. They have chemistry. The whole audience was on their feet and clapping along.















I am always astounded at the passion I hear from the kid's writing. I love hearing their voice, what they have to say and am so impressed that they are brave enough to stand up and share it with everyone. I couldn't do that at 17! I also enjoyed watching Pat meeting up with his old high school friends sharing about their year away at college. These are the ordinary proud moments, watching these emerging adults and realizing the world is going to be okay.

Oh and by the way, today was my last day of nursing school, I graduated last Friday and will be pinned this Friday. But more about that in another post.

No time for senioritis

Two more weeks of class and clinicals and I can't stop now for a nagging case of senioritis. Do you think Airborne might keep it at bay? The assignments and papers and group projects are still coming fast and furious as well as 24-36 hours a week at the hospital. AND job hunting. Did I mention I have given up sleep, meals without my laptop and sitting on the couch without a book in my lap. I think I will breathe again once I have my diploma in my hand and a job offer.



I am not the only one in the house doing the last push before graduation.
Joe has managed to finish high school in 3 years and will graduate at the top of his class on June 12. I am so proud of him!