Turning point

I haven't posted for a month, some of you have been checking in to see how we are doing and I really appreciate that. I struggle with posting, these have been dark days. I have been sad, angry, resentful, weak, lost, melancholy, resigned, and unmotivated. I have had to force myself to finish the work for the three classes I was taking, I think it helped to have that to focus on, it gave my brain something to do. December 13, I was done and my friends were all asking how it felt to be done with school for the semester, and I couldn't tell them. I couldn't really feel anything, I expected to feel relieved and lighter but I didn't. I felt empty, and pressured by expectations that seemed meaningless. I am still mourning my Dad, Brian is still looking for work and we are living with uncertainty. Then on the 15th my daughter and I were involved in a car accident. We were rear-ended and pushed into another car. We are okay, some neck injury, but we walked away from it. The car is not drivable though. This week we have been focusing on healing, daily visits to the chiropractor, massages, ice packs and rest. Rose is 11, and the accident freaked her out, it was scary. We have been talking a lot with the kids about the accident because the boys are both about to become drivers, and that really scares me. They may be good drivers, but we can't control what the other people do on the road. I was doing everything right, I was not speeding, I was not tailgating, I was not talking on the phone, or adjusting the radio, or putting on makeup or any number of things I see people doing while driving. I reacted quickly, I was stopping, but the woman behind me didn't. Then while I was checking Rose and comforting her in the minutes after the impact, the woman left the scene. She did come back half an hour later after the CHP were there taking our report.


I keep replaying the scene in my head and wonder how the boys would handle the same situation. It has been a week now and I felt that we needed to come together as a family and process what has been happening.

I decided that we would have a winter solstice ceremony, celebrate leaving the darkness and moving into light. Amidst their protests that this was Pagan and contrary to our Christian beliefs, and squashing the thoughts that we were going to build a big bonfire and drink mead, I gathered all the candles I could find and set up a little table in our family room with them and sun symbol.

I explained what we were doing and why, that I wanted to mark the turning point in the earths movements with a turning point in how we are viewing our lives. That we have had a number of events in our family that have brought darkness and sadness and that we could use this celestial moment to let go of some of the darkness and focus on the hope in the coming of light.




I had them turn all the lights off, even the Christmas tree and blow out the candles and I asked them to reflect in the darkness and silence on the things that have happened that bring them pain and sadness. Then one by one we each lit a candle as we thought of the hope in our future. Brian read the Genesis story of creation and I read a Native American poem called "Spirit Walker" as we lit the rest of the candles in the room and enjoyed the warm glow. We talked for a little bit, well, mostly Rose talked and the boys slouched, about what we had just done.


Then we opened all our Christmas cards together and read the good wishes people have sent us. I think it was good, I think it was meaningful, I think it was strange for the kids, and maybe even a little strange for my husband, but I am grateful that they go along with me and participate because it makes me happy. I feel their love for me in that, and for that I am grateful. I am sensing a turning point, I am so aware that we are interconnected as a family and our emotions and well being are bound together. The subtleties of how we treat each other have great impact especially when we are in this vulnerable place in our lives. We must care for each other.

Care for those you love, even when it feels strange.

Perspective

As I lounge in bed for the last few minutes before I get up to start the turkey, I am reflecting on what I have to be thankful about. I like to do a dorky activity with my family and guests every year that ends up creating something I can put up in the house to remind us to be grateful instead of greedy during the upcoming holiday season. I haven't come up with the activity for this year yet. It will come, I am good at winging it. This fall has brought some difficult times for our family with the death of my father and the loss of work for my husband. We are facing some tight months ahead as he searches for employment. These losses make us dig deeper for the things we are grateful for. May you all dig and uncover the true blessings in your lives today.

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm off to the kitchen! I love to make turkey!

sad

I finished mom's shawl. She looks beautiful in it, it is her colors, and it drapes just perfectly over her shoulders like a hug. I hope it brings her comfort. We are all home now after dad's funeral. I am exhausted. It is exhausting to mourn. I know this is normal and expected and all that, but it is not easy. I miss Dad. I miss Mom the way she was with Dad. I am not ready to be the older generation, I want just a little longer being my father's daughter. I am just sad, that is all.

Beautiful sorrow

The shawl above is for my mom, I'm making it with many purple yarns I have been collecting for her. There is a little touch of green too. I flew back to Chicago to be with my Dad for what turned out to be his last 24 hours. Due to his strokes he could not swallow anymore and we all knew the end was close. I took the red-eye and drove directly to his bedside, just missing my sister by a half hour. Dad had not spoken for a couple of weeks, and I wasn't sure what to expect when I got there. I was grateful he was still with us. He opened his eyes and seemed to respond to me. I wept, and told him how much I loved him. After a few hours my mom arrived, then my sister, and two brothers, arrived and we sat around his bed all day. He seemed to know we were there. At one point I answered a nurse's question in Spanish and he tried to speak! I think he responded to the Spanish. We talked to him of our love for him, that all would be okay, that we, his family were all with him, he was not alone. We sat in silence too, all lost in our own emotions and feeling of being in uncharted waters. What do you say when your father, your husband of 52 years lay breathing his last. He seemed to stabilize, so we went home for some food and a little sleep. Then the nursing home called around 11 and said his breathing was labored and blood pressure dropping we had better come. My brother, Pat and I went in and promised to call mom and Tim if it looked bad. (It helped that Pat is a doctor, he knew what to expect). We sat with him in the dark room through the night. Stroking his arms, holding his hand, singing gently, weeping a little, talking, and dozing. We called mom around 6, dads circulation was dropping, his breathing had been a struggle though the whole night. He was working so hard just to breathe. He took his last breath around 9 and he was gone. The earth and time stopped and we were deep in our moment of loss, we knew, but the pain of his dying seared us. We cried, we kissed him, and we held each other. He was gone, right away he was gone, his body was not him anymore, it was just his body. It was a moment full of sorrow and beauty. Dad's suffering was over, he is home. We will ride the waves of grief knowing that he is at peace and in a beautiful place. Thank you to all who helped us pray.

prayers needed

If you are a praying person would you help me pray for my Dad's peaceful passing. He has had several strokes and has been in a nursing home, this week he had another and can no longer eat or drink. I pray it won't be long, he has been through enough.